The complete list
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A notebook on a desk beside an iPhone and a succulentAlgebra and other things the devil inventedArguments and conflicts I've had with myselfAwkward yoga poses I got stuck inBangers & Mash and other gourmet recipesBirthdays and anniversary dates I always forgetBrainstorming and shitBrilliant ideas I had while drinking beerBrilliant ideas I had while drinking bourbonBrilliant ideas I had while drinking wineBrilliant ideas I had while poopingBrilliant ideas I had while smoking weedBrilliant ideas I'll never act onCheat sheets for today's examChip implants and other side effects of the vaccineChores he still hasn't done yetChristmas turkeys and other things that can get stuffedCo-workers I suspect are vampiresCo-workers I want to punch in the faceCo-workers I will get fired by the end of the yearConspiracy theoriesDoodles I drew during important work meetingsDreams I'll never pursueDreams that got crushed when I had kidsDumb things I did without thinking them throughDumb things I've done that my parents don't know aboutEmails I won't respond toEmployees I'm thinking about firingEvil plans and unicorn drawingsExercise and other things I wish I could outsourceExistential thoughts I had while in the bathtubFish and other dishes that should be banned from the office kitchenFucking brilliant ideasGreat comebacks I thought of three days laterGreat ideas for spilling beer onGrocery lists and plans for world dominationHair I collected on the subwayHobbies I'll take up when I retireHomework I won't doHypothetical arguments I've had in the showerI have no idea what I'm doingInappropriate comments to make in serious situationsIndex of parents who I wish had never procreatedInspirational bullshitJuicy workplace gossipJumping to conclusions and other sports I'm good atLecture notes and penis doodlesLetter of resignation drafts and templatesList of expletives I have mouthed at people under my face maskList of fun things to do if the pandemic ever endsList of items I found after my husband had a man-lookList of my criminal convictionsList of my favorite pubic hair stylesList of online purchases I made while drinkingList of people who have wasted my timeList of people who underestimated me and how that worked out for themList of reasons why I don't want kidsList of reasons why I hate my jobList of things I don't give a shit aboutList of things I would do if I were the presidentLunch breaks and other reasons why I like my jobMeeting notes and other boring shitMeetings and other things I don't do after 4:30pmMeetings I prefer to socially distance myself fromMeetings that could have been emailsMenopause and other things that get me heatedMondays and other things I've come to like since retirementMy archive of flying fucks I don't giveMy book for drinking wine and judging peopleMy book for writing stuff and drawing penguinsMy book to stay organized as fuckMy book to write in to appear busyMy catalog of dad jokesMy deepest, darkest secrets and desiresMy ex partners' social security detailsMy friends' and family's credit card detailsMy hopeless attempts at adultingMy hopeless attempts at buying my own houseMy hopeless attempts at savingMy journal for gratitude, self-care and winefulnessMy kick-ass plans to become my own bossMy kids' Xmas wish lists and other delusionsMy list of bodies I buried in the woodsMy list of gym clothes to wear at the grocery storeMy list of morally flexible ideasMy list of passwords and debit card pin numbersMy list of places I'd rather be than universityMy list of prison pen palsMy list of things I was right aboutMy list of things my husband was right aboutMy list of things my wife was right aboutMy list of things that have been mansplained to meMy most inappropriate thoughtsMy omnibus of pet peevesMy opinions nobody gives a shit aboutMy plans to take over the companyMy plans to take over the worldMy research into living in a pigstyMy research into working alongside a bunch of moronsMy survival plans for the apocalypseMy wildest sexual achievementsNeighborhood gossip and other factsNew jobs and other anxious life momentsNew Year's resolutions and other casual promises I'm not obligated to fulfillNew Year's resolutions and other short-lived ideasNotes and other shit to write downOmicron and other baby namesOnce-in-a-lifetime events I survivedPandemics and other excuses why I can't go to the gymPasswords, logins and other stuff I keep forgettingPeople I want to punch in the facePeople I wish I could flush down the toiletPeople I'd like to wrap in Xmas paper and ship to the North PolePhotos from my colonoscopyPhotos of arsesPhotos of boobsPhotos of buttsPhotos of dicksPlaces I've been banned fromPoetry and other shit my brain comes up with
Some of our bestselling titles
Rain water and other liquids I wish my car ran onRandom thoughts and other notes I'll turn into a book one dayReasons I want to speak to the managerReasons I will be on the naughty list this yearReasons I'm day drinkingReasons I'm hitting the pub tonightReasons I'm leaving the monarchyReasons my boss should let me continue to work from homeReasons why I don't fit in those jeans anymoreReasons why I don't play well with othersReasons why I like dogs more than peopleReasons why I mix my coffee with whiskeyReasons why I should host The Tonight ShowReasons why I should never be put on speakerphoneReasons why I think that this meeting is bullshitReasons why I won't be seizing the dayReasons why I'll never get promotedRecipes I will be able to cook when my kids have moved outRecipes I will never makeRunning late and other sports I'm good atSharting and other romantic gesturesShit H.R. wants me to stop sayingShit I have to rememberShit I have to write down because I'm oldShit I learned in school and never neededShit I should do for my fucking healthShit I should write downShit I wish people had told me about having a babyShit my boss saysShit my husband saysShit my kids sayShit my wife saysShit that keeps hitting the fanShit that keeps me up at nightShit that makes my eye twitchShit that you just can't make upShit that's none of your fucking businessShit they said is importantShit you shouldn't have to explain to adultsSmart things I'm going to say laterSnide remarks I need to keep to myselfSongs stuck in my head on repeatSpells and incantations people should fear me forSpells I have put on peopleSTD test resultsStories I'd tell on Graham Norton's big red chairStupid things my kids argue aboutTasks I need to complete before I can watch NetflixTattoos and other regerts I haveText messages I sent when I was drunk"The Sound of Music" and other tunes I can fart along toThings I can put off until tomorrowThings I can't say out loudThings I found in my belly buttonThings I got blamed forThings I need to get done but probably won'tThings I only talk to my dog aboutThings I only tell my Chief of StaffThings I really shouldn't tweetThings I should tell my therapistThings I thought were funny when I overheard them on the trainThings I want to say at school but shouldn'tThings I want to scream into the voidThings I was told by the voices in my headThings I wish I could say to my mother-in-lawThings I would like to say but that will get me suedThings I'd like to tell my boss but that would get me firedThings I'd never say out loud but share on social mediaThings I've done that remind me I'm a badassThings I've said in my sleepThings in the NDA I can't talk aboutThings my boss doesn't know about meThings my husband doesn't knowThings my mother "told me so"Things you shouldn't say on an airplaneTimes I cried myself to sleepTimes I farted in yoga classTimes I walked naked in public and nobody noticedTimes I was right and my boss took creditTimes I was right and nobody listenedTimes I wore no pants during a work video chatTimes my cat was a real jerkTimes my crystal ball didn't workTimes my inner saboteur convinced meTranscripts of recent bathroom conversationsTricks my dog taught meUnofficial legal adviceUnofficial medical adviceUnsolicited advice I kept for posterityUnsolicited parenting adviceUseless shit I will buy when I'm rich as fuckUseless stuff to overthinkVaccines and other things that give me the shitsWays to appear sober at family gatheringsWords and phrases I keep mispelingWork notes and other things I can ignoreYoga, meditation and other ways to stay sane
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