Stockholm Syndrome: A comedic rant about cats

Noteworthy

4 August 2023 by WTF Notebooks

In honor of International Cat Day (yes, that’s a real thing!) happening next Tuesday, let’s talk about cats for a minute.

Because let us tell you, these little furballs might look cute and cuddly, but cats can be straight-up jerks. From coughing up hairballs to sitting on your laptop keyboard, they act like they’re better than us just because they can lick their own butts.

Let's start with the fact that cats think they own everything. Your bed, your couch, your favorite chair – doesn't matter, they'll just waltz in and claim it as their own personal fiefdom. And god forbid you try to move them, because they'll shoot you a look that says, "Do you know who the fuck I am?"

And what's with the obsession with knocking things over? Do they just enjoy seeing us suffer? "Oh, you like that vase? Let me just casually push it off the table and watch it shatter into a million pieces. You're welcome."

To make you feel better, they’ll then gently rub up against you and purr. Just when you think they're being cute, they'll sink their claws into your flesh like it's a goddamn scratch pad, followed by that adorable, innocent look you can't be mad at.

Now let's talk about the feline grooming habits: Cats will spend half their day licking themselves like they’re the epitome of hygiene. Meanwhile, they’re shedding hair all over your carpet and coughing up hairballs like it’s no big deal. And then they’ll be strutting around like they own the damn place, acting like they’re doing you a favor by even acknowledging your existence.

The irony of it all is that we willingly invite these little jerks into our homes and our lives, knowing full well what we're getting into. We keep them around like in a Stockholm Syndrome type situation. Heck, we seem so entranced by those little tigers, even the internet isn’t safe: yes, cat videos are some of the most viewed content online.

Cats may be cute and cuddly, but deep down, they're just furry little dicks who think they're better than us. And you know what? Maybe they are.

After all, for all their rudeness, arrogance and plain weirdness, we still love them. And it’s probably those characteristics that make us keep them around – even if we’re not really in charge anyway.