SPF 50: A comedic rant about sunburns


23 June 2023 by WTF Notebooks

A rotisserie chicken in a burning hot oven

Sun's out, buns out!

That is, until you wake up the next day realizing that you've got a butt that's redder than a baboon's ass.

Oh, the joy of being roasted alive by the sun's rays, it's like a sizzling sensation of pain and regret.

At first, it's all fun and games. You're basking in the sun, feeling like a goddamn lizard, and you're convinced that you're getting a nice tan. But then, you can start to hear your skin screaming in pain. That's when you know you're in trouble.

Sunburn doesn't even capture the essence of what's actually happening: I mean, shouldn't it be called a sun-roast or a sun-fry? Because let's be real, you're not just getting burnt, you're getting cooked like a damn rotisserie chicken.

Thirty minutes later and you look like a goddamn lobster who took a bath in a pot of hot sauce. You can't even wear clothes without feeling like your skin is on fire. And don't even get me started on showers. It's like the water is made of acid.

As if the pain and the itchiness weren't enough, you also have to deal with the peeling. You start shedding like a goddamn snake, leaving a trail of dead skin cells wherever you go.

And of course, everyone around you has a cure for sunburns. "Put some aloe vera on it." – “Drink lots of water." – “Take a cool bath." – Yeah, thanks for the advice, Captain Obvious, it’s not like I turned myself into a lobster on purpose.

But you know what the worst part about sunburns is? The fact that they're preventable. You could have avoided all of this if you had just put on some damn sunscreen. Thinking that you’re immune to that glowing, radioactive ball of fire in the sky, is a bold move – and a dumb one, too. Well, congratulations, tough guy. You're now a walking, talking advertisement for SPF 50.

So, to all you sunburned masochists out there, I have just one piece of advice this Summer: Wear sunscreen or just stay in the shade altogether.

Your skin will thank you.

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