Public speaking: A comedic rant about speakerphone talk

Noteworthy

28 July 2023 by WTF Notebooks

Oh, boy. Don't get me started on people who talk on speakerphone in public. Seriously, what's their deal? Do they think they're the only ones on the planet, and that nobody else can hear their conversation? It's like they have some kind of superpower that allows them to project their voice to the entire world.

And don't even get me started on the content of their conversations. Half the time it's some inane bullshit that nobody wants to hear, like they're narrating their entire day to the person on the other end of the line. "I'm walking down the street now. I see a tree. Oh, look, a squirrel!" Like, seriously, who cares? It's like they think they're narrating their own personal version of Planet Earth, and we're all supposed to be enthralled.

And then there's the other half of the time, when they're having some kind of argument or sensitive conversation that nobody else should be privy to. I mean, come on, people! Have some goddamn common sense. Nobody wants to hear about your break-up or your latest STD scare. Save that shit for a private conversation, or at least put the damn phone up to your ear like a normal human being.

But you know what really grinds my gears? When people on speakerphone in public act like they're in their own little world, completely oblivious to the fact that they're bothering everyone around them. They'll be walking down the street, shouting into their phone like it's a goddamn megaphone, and then act surprised when someone glares at them or tells them to keep it down please.

And don't even get me started on the people who use speakerphone in public to show off. You know the type. They'll be on the phone with their boss or their significant other or whoever, and they'll deliberately speak extra loudly so that everyone around them can hear how important they are. It's like they're saying, "Look at me! I'm so crazy successful that I can have important conversations in public without giving a rat’s ass about anyone else!" Congratulations, buddy. You're a real winner.

So if you're one of those people, do us all a favor and put the damn phone up to your ear. And if you absolutely must use speakerphone, at least have the decency to do it in a private space where nobody else has to hear your bullshit. Thank you and good night.