Ouch: A comedic rant about paper cuts

Noteworthy

26 May 2023 by WTF Notebooks

Ladies and gentlemen, have you ever had the displeasure of experiencing a paper cut? Because let me tell you, there is no pain quite like it. It's like a tiny, sharp, demon blade that slices through your skin and leaves you in agony for hours.

And the worst part? It can happen anywhere, anytime. You could be sitting at your desk, minding your own business, flipping through your planner, and BAM – out of nowhere, the paper strikes. It's like a ninja attack, but instead of throwing stars, they use sheets of paper.

And don't even get me started on the location of these bastards. It's never a nice, fleshy area like your thigh or your arm. No, no, no. They always manage to find the most sensitive, vulnerable spot on your body, like the webbing between your fingers or the tip of your nose. It's like they have a sixth sense for finding your weak points.

But what really grinds my gears about paper cuts is how they always seem to happen at the worst possible time. Like, you could be getting ready for a big presentation, and as you're shuffling through your notes, one of those little bitches decides to take a nibble out of your fingertip. And suddenly, you're not focused on your speech anymore. You're focused on the searing pain radiating from your hand.

And let's not forget about the aftermath of a paper cut. The initial pain is bad enough, but then you have to deal with the aftermath. You have to disinfect it, put a bandaid on it, and then avoid using that part of your body for the next 24 hours. Congratulations, you're now an invalid because of a goddamn piece of paper.

I mean, seriously, paper cuts are the worst. They're like the evil stepchild of injuries. They're not serious enough to warrant sympathy from others, but they hurt just enough to make you want to punch a wall.

So what's the solution to this epidemic of tiny, demonic paper cuts? Ban paper altogether? Wear gloves 24/7? Maybe. Or maybe we just need to accept that paper cuts are a fact of life, and learn to live with them.

In conclusion, paper cuts can go straight to hell. They're painful, they're annoying, and they always seem to happen at the worst possible time. But hey, at least they make for a good excuse to avoid doing any actual work for a while. So the next time you get a paper cut, just embrace it, revel in the pain, and use it as an excuse to take a well-deserved break.