Kumbaya: A comedic rant about team-building exercises


9 June 2023 by WTF Notebooks

A team of four people bringing their hands together in team spirit

Okay, let's talk about team-building exercises.

You know, those excruciating activities that your boss makes you do so that you can "bond" with your co-workers. If there's one thing worse than spending all day with your colleagues, it's being forced to do awkward trust falls with them.

First off, can we talk about how these exercises always happen on a weekend or after work hours? Like, thanks for taking up my free time, Susan. I could be at home binging my favorite Netflix show, but instead, I'm here, pretending to be a tree while you and your team try to climb me.

And don't even get me started on the team-building retreats. Spending a weekend in the woods with your co-workers, camping and doing activities like archery and kayaking is at the very bottom of my list of things to do in my free time. Can you imagine being stuck in a cabin with your boss, eating s'mores and singing Kumbaya? No thanks, I'd rather be stuck in a traffic jam.

And let's be real, these activities don't actually build any teams. If anything, they make us all hate each other more. Who wants to hold hands and sing songs with that guy from accounting who always forgets to fill out his expense reports? Not me, that's for sure.

But the worst part of all is the motivational speaker they bring in. You know, the one who tries to pump you up by reciting cliché phrases like "there's no 'I' in team" and "you miss 100% of the shots you don't take." Like, thanks for the life advice, Tony Robbins, but I'd rather be at home, taking shots of tequila instead.

And don't even get me started on the icebreakers. "Tell us your name and something interesting about yourself!" Yeah, okay, my name is Karen and something interesting about myself is that I hate team-building exercises. I'd rather do my taxes on a Friday night than participate in another trust fall.

So, Susan, if you're reading this, please cancel the next team-building event and let us all go home early instead.

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