Blood suckers: A comedic rant about mosquitos

Noteworthy

7 July 2023 by WTF Notebooks

It’s the middle of Summer – time for shorts, cocktails, pool parties, and … mosquitos. These little buggers are driving me insane!

First off, let's talk about the sound they make. That high-pitched whine is like nails on a chalkboard. And they always manage to find your ear, don't they? It's like they have a GPS tracker specifically designed to locate your ear canal. And when they do find it, they start buzzing around like they're throwing a rave in there, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

And when they do, it itches like hell. Like a tiny demon has taken up residence in your skin, and it won't stop poking you with a tiny pitchfork until you're driven mad.

But you know what's really messed up? The fact that mosquitos seem to be attracted to certain people more than others. It's like they have some sort of sick, twisted preference. "Oh, you have AB negative blood? Perfect. You're my type." Swipe right for O positive, swipe left for B negative.

What's up with the name "mosquito" anyway? It sounds like some sort of exotic cocktail you'd order at a shady bar: "Yeah, I'll have a mosquito, extra blood please." Or maybe it's a new dance craze to replace the Macarena.

And let's talk about mosquito repellent for a second. Have you ever read the ingredients on those things? DEET? Picaridin? I have no idea what those are, but I'm pretty sure they're not good for you. It's like, sure, we'll protect you from mosquitos, but you might grow a third arm or something.

And let's not forget the ultimate weapon against the tiny blood suckers: the mosquito net. If you're like me and you toss and turn all night, that net becomes a goddamn death trap. I swear, I've almost strangled myself with that thing more times than I care to admit.

To be fair, that’s probably the better way to go that catching any of the diseases mosquitos can carry. Malaria, Zika, West Nile virus... the list goes on and on. We might not get them here, but don’t even think about going on a tropical vacation without pills or a vaccine.

And what's even worse is that they're so damn good at evading detection. You could have a whole swarm of Malaria delivery guys in your resort bedroom, and you wouldn't even know it until it's too late.

So, if you see me flailing my arms around like a lunatic this summer, just know that I'm not having a seizure. I'm just trying to fend off these little bloodsucking demons.

And to all my fellow mosquito-bitten warriors, keep fighting the good fight.